Writer:Martin Smith' Of Thunder's Facebook Page
Nah. I can't do it anymore. I don't know if this is me retiring from Impact reviewing, or just from life in general but this is a step too far. Dixie Carter opens the show again, which is an outrage in itself, but she opens the show announcing that one of the most annoying little no marks that has ever stepped into a wrestling ring, Rockstar Spud, as her choice to be new chief of staff. He emerges looking something like someone from Jersey Shore sweated out during a particularly intense workout. A mess of a boy. He squeaks some nonsense about him being Dixie's ears, and she's his queen. I vomited such an unbelievable amount, I actually slipped to -2% body fat.
Dixie announces Roode will face Hardy in a tables match, and Angle will face Magnus in a last man standing match in the world title tournament semi finals next week. She then announces something about a feast, and something about AJ Styles. I can't lie, I barely listened to this because it's living, breathing braindeath. She introduces us to EC3, this is a good thing because it meant she stopped talking.
EC3 vs Curry Man
Another week, another squash. Nice to see you Curry Man. Nothing better than a nice wee nostalgia pop.
Gunner, Storm and Angle having a brief chat ahead of their involvement in an 8 man tag later. Gunner tells Storm he only threw the towel in on his behalf last week because he thought it was the right thing to do, and Storm seems to accept this. That's nice. That's nice for them.
The Bro-Mans, Eric Young, ODB and the two jobbers that EC3 beat a lot are involved in a backstage promo, it's regarding the Bro-Mans facing the jobbers later and its about as bad as you are currently imagining.
Velvet Sky vs Lei'D Tapa
There has perhaps never been a less charismatic female wrestler than Lei'D Tapa. Absolutely awful. Gail Kim gets sent to the back early for being super cheeky, and Lei'D Tapa snaps Velvet in two with a firemans carry into a stunner type of move. An impressive physical specimen is Lei'D Tapa but just incredibly boring.
A segment which involved The Bro-Mans, Those Two jobbers and Eric Young. A segment which included an extended period of mic time for Jessie Godderz. A segment which involved the two jobbers dressing as chickens. A segment which made my soul die.
Dixie screaming into the camera. The screaming is aimed at AJ. This is the worst television show in the history of television. In this realm and every other one.
Mr. Anderson speaking a memorial service for Aces and Eights. Everyone's just stopped caring now right? That's the only explanation for how bad this is? This is one of those segments that's so bad it's good. Kurt Angle is the next to speak and he says words about how D-Lo Brown shakes his head in the funny way, which is why they made a bobble head out of him. This used to be a wrestling show. Mike Tenay and Eric Young laugh. Samoa Joe says some words whilst eating, and says he's going to put a 6 pack of beer in the Aces and Eights coffin, because it's one of the few substances in the world that make them palatable to other humans. He doesn't put the 6 pack in the coffin however, because it would have been daft to waste the beer which is an extremely valid point. Mike Tenay says it sucks that Taz will still be with him on commentary, but at least that smelly Aces and Eights jacket is consigned to the bin forever. Eric Young puts a chicken suit in the coffin and cries, and Anderson puts the hammer in the coffin because if it's in a coffin, Bully Ray cant hit people with it. Bully decides to gatecrash his own funeral because that's just what he does, and he threatens Anderson's pregnant wife. From amusing to entirely unpalatable in 30 seconds, TNA you never cease to amaze me.
Team Roode vs Team Angle (Elimination Match)
TNA claim they are trying to provide a product which acts as an alternative to WWE, yet just days after WWE ran their PPV which provides at least one elimination match every year, TNA has that kind of match as its main event on its flagship show. Alternative means something different by the way, just in case any of you weren't aware. Anyway, the match was fairly boring, here are its highlights in bullet points.
Rockstar Spud invites the winners of the elimination match out for a feast. Lei'D Tapa, Gail Kim and Bro-Mans are there also. They take a turn each on the mic of saying why they're thankful, before the faces rush the ring and there's food and dignity all over the place. End of story.
Overall this was comfortably the worst thing I've ever seen, and for the suplex sequence from Angle only it gets 1 rolling thunder out of 10. Please make it stop.
Nah. I can't do it anymore. I don't know if this is me retiring from Impact reviewing, or just from life in general but this is a step too far. Dixie Carter opens the show again, which is an outrage in itself, but she opens the show announcing that one of the most annoying little no marks that has ever stepped into a wrestling ring, Rockstar Spud, as her choice to be new chief of staff. He emerges looking something like someone from Jersey Shore sweated out during a particularly intense workout. A mess of a boy. He squeaks some nonsense about him being Dixie's ears, and she's his queen. I vomited such an unbelievable amount, I actually slipped to -2% body fat.
Dixie announces Roode will face Hardy in a tables match, and Angle will face Magnus in a last man standing match in the world title tournament semi finals next week. She then announces something about a feast, and something about AJ Styles. I can't lie, I barely listened to this because it's living, breathing braindeath. She introduces us to EC3, this is a good thing because it meant she stopped talking.
EC3 vs Curry Man
Another week, another squash. Nice to see you Curry Man. Nothing better than a nice wee nostalgia pop.
Gunner, Storm and Angle having a brief chat ahead of their involvement in an 8 man tag later. Gunner tells Storm he only threw the towel in on his behalf last week because he thought it was the right thing to do, and Storm seems to accept this. That's nice. That's nice for them.
The Bro-Mans, Eric Young, ODB and the two jobbers that EC3 beat a lot are involved in a backstage promo, it's regarding the Bro-Mans facing the jobbers later and its about as bad as you are currently imagining.
Velvet Sky vs Lei'D Tapa
There has perhaps never been a less charismatic female wrestler than Lei'D Tapa. Absolutely awful. Gail Kim gets sent to the back early for being super cheeky, and Lei'D Tapa snaps Velvet in two with a firemans carry into a stunner type of move. An impressive physical specimen is Lei'D Tapa but just incredibly boring.
A segment which involved The Bro-Mans, Those Two jobbers and Eric Young. A segment which included an extended period of mic time for Jessie Godderz. A segment which involved the two jobbers dressing as chickens. A segment which made my soul die.
Dixie screaming into the camera. The screaming is aimed at AJ. This is the worst television show in the history of television. In this realm and every other one.
Mr. Anderson speaking a memorial service for Aces and Eights. Everyone's just stopped caring now right? That's the only explanation for how bad this is? This is one of those segments that's so bad it's good. Kurt Angle is the next to speak and he says words about how D-Lo Brown shakes his head in the funny way, which is why they made a bobble head out of him. This used to be a wrestling show. Mike Tenay and Eric Young laugh. Samoa Joe says some words whilst eating, and says he's going to put a 6 pack of beer in the Aces and Eights coffin, because it's one of the few substances in the world that make them palatable to other humans. He doesn't put the 6 pack in the coffin however, because it would have been daft to waste the beer which is an extremely valid point. Mike Tenay says it sucks that Taz will still be with him on commentary, but at least that smelly Aces and Eights jacket is consigned to the bin forever. Eric Young puts a chicken suit in the coffin and cries, and Anderson puts the hammer in the coffin because if it's in a coffin, Bully Ray cant hit people with it. Bully decides to gatecrash his own funeral because that's just what he does, and he threatens Anderson's pregnant wife. From amusing to entirely unpalatable in 30 seconds, TNA you never cease to amaze me.
Team Roode vs Team Angle (Elimination Match)
TNA claim they are trying to provide a product which acts as an alternative to WWE, yet just days after WWE ran their PPV which provides at least one elimination match every year, TNA has that kind of match as its main event on its flagship show. Alternative means something different by the way, just in case any of you weren't aware. Anyway, the match was fairly boring, here are its highlights in bullet points.
- Storm hits the backstabber on Daniels, and the Codebreaker on Sabin, before Kaz distracts him and gets superkicked for his troubles, only for Sabin to roll Storm up for the 3 count. Storm eliminated.
- Bad Influence hits the high-low on Gunner. Gunner? More the goner haha (I'm so sorry) Gunner eliminated
- Magnus knackers his knee (when something is "knackered" it means it no longer functions as it should, add that to your growing repertoire of Scottish slang) and has to leave the match. Leaving Angle vs all 4 members of Team Roode.
- Angle hits a belly to belly on Roode, followed by another on Sabin, and then a couple of Germans for Roode for good measure. Then 3 Germans for Daniel, 3 for Kaz, before hitting both members of Bad Influence with one to finish it off. We've gone suplex mental!
- Angle locks in a double anklelock on Bad Influence, after hitting Sabin with the Angle Slam. Roode comes at him with a chair, but he ducks and gives him the angle slam. All these suplexes, Anklelocks and Angle Slams but so far, no pins. He isn't interested in pins though, just destruction and he takes the steel chair that Roode brought in and decides to smash everyone with it. He's DQ'd. Team Roode wins.
Rockstar Spud invites the winners of the elimination match out for a feast. Lei'D Tapa, Gail Kim and Bro-Mans are there also. They take a turn each on the mic of saying why they're thankful, before the faces rush the ring and there's food and dignity all over the place. End of story.
Overall this was comfortably the worst thing I've ever seen, and for the suplex sequence from Angle only it gets 1 rolling thunder out of 10. Please make it stop.
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